Friends that only "use you"... who needs them??

The Persian Poet Wrote  

"Friend is a word of royal tone;

Friend is a poem all alone".

I am curious as to why some people who claim to be your friend, always seek to take-advantage of you.. (Which is great and that's what friends are for), however, they are never there to return the favour.. or in some instances secretly begrudge your success.

I have such a friend (although I have culled a lot of the close friends who I went into business with and have fallen apart due to their dishonesty - save that blog for another day) with whom we share a lot of good things and fun times but not all of my secrets with. 

What I have noticed is that if he wants to do something, he will pester me till it’s done, if he wants to go out then he will and take you with him.. However he can do last minute let downs. I like to plan my time, if I say I will be there then I will.. So it comes as a great disappointment when he lets you down, as you have cleared your schedule for an evening out or something. This is a regular occurrence. If I want to go out he will agree, again on the day he can let you down. I feel as though I am an option for him, as if he finds something better then he will do that. Perhaps he is not a true friend

Secondly, we all have vices and one of my vices I share with him. When I want to partake in this activity he is “as above” quite flaky (he got me into this), if he says let’s do it, I always oblige. However recently he was too busy to partake in this activity, so I said "oh I don't really want to do that anymore and haven't done it for weeks, perhaps it’s time to avoid this”)

It took all about ten minutes, he was on whatsapp persuading me to partake...When he doesn't want to do it, he won’t, but soon as I said I don't want to do it. He got back in the saddle persuaded me that we should do it together. I feel that he was jealous that I was looking to better myself and he did not like it.  

What do you do with such friends..?

Time for choosing a school..

Well it’s been a while, so much to say, but sometimes I think best kept quiet. Firstly the summer is over (I am sure you have all noticed). It has been a tumultuous summer, so many decisions. My little boy started reception. Unfortunately we missed out on the better school.  We almost rented a house within catchment just to get him on the waiting list for the better school. It seemed crazy to move to a rented house, a smaller more expensive house in a posh part of town – but mans house is his castle.

Perhaps it was fate that the letting agent made a mistake and we backed off from the move a week before the contract. The landlord was to demanding and unwilling to make changes.  I couldn’t give up a bigger better house that I OWN (which we’d only moved in four years ago).  I had only moved to our current house so that my younger sister could retain her independence as it was close to town, train station, bus station and so on) and that my mum would be happy staying walking distance from her grandchildren (walking distance for the grandchildren- mum doesn’t walk anywhere). However my sister got married last year and moved, so the location is no longer a factor.

I have moved about ten times in the last 30 years that I feel transient and NOT at all settled. Priorities change with every change, every child, and every decision. I’m still seeking that ideal, - nowhere to be found.

About my little boys schooling, well these are things we thought about, but circumstances meant we couldn’t do much about it. Now we are in a position, it’s hard to move house, so we have given ourselves three years to make things better. What I have discovered is that a move requires careful planning and consideration.

I have a friend that moved countries to give his children a better education, I couldn’t move house.  I wonder what sacrifices do parents make, what goes through their mind when a child is about to embark on a life long journey of learning?

"Feeling the need" to care about someone, not close to you..

In his book Dale Carnegie says something similar that " Everyone thinks about themselves, morning, noon and night - even if you are dying or dead".

It's so hard to care for some on who has annoyed you and took advantage of you most of your life and continues to do so. However they are in hospital, suffering from cancer, having an operation that would scare the mightiest of souls.

In my selfish way, although being noted as his only next of kin (by default) - although I have been there for him as much as I can, not because I wanted to but because I had to.While this is going on,  I cannot help but think about my day, and how it is affecting me. Lots of his guests are coming to see him in hospital from all over the country, and I am entertaining the guests, he is my cousin, (I am not that close to him).

I hope this day I write this blog, that he recovers well, he is in for a nine (9) hour operation as I write, he has a 2 year old child and a wife in Bangladesh. We tried bringing them over on holiday visa's but it failed as the British High commission felt that they will not return in six months back to Bangladesh, if his condition does not improve.

My point is, that I watch the Disasters in Nepal, Burma, Palestine and all over the world, I feel horrified and disgusted at world leaders & humanity. This of course is followed by an appeal on TV by the various charities. I think to myself, well I have to do my bit and donate a little money, this action brings a smile to my face and I feel that I have healed the world. I don't have to think about them on a daily basis, it doesn't affect my day any more.

I feel I am such a bad person for not being sincere in my effort to help this person, but I have been there for him more than anyone else. It is also hard to give him the care and attention he needs, as I have a wife on maternity leave as we have a few month old baby at home and a 4 year old. When you are being pulled in every direction, as many more people rely on you, which way do you go? I am self employed which means I have to keep churning the wheels as well.

I know of a non Muslim man, who had cancer (he has passed away since), whilst he was deteriorating, after 7 months of treatment, his wife left him as she could not handle caring for him. He moved in with his mum and younger brother.

Bengali's - the annoying unannounced visits

Few week ago on a Thursday night, I was getting ready to go out with my wife to watch a film. I had put the kids to bed and my mother on guard. We don't get a chance to go out much as we used to before the children were born.

I am ready and waiting downstairs, the wife still getting ready. The Doorbell rings, and its my sister in law with her kids, all  4 of them -  ranging from 7 to 16. She walks in and straight to the kitchen, turns the kettle on, kids straight to the TV room. They can tell we are about to go out, but I think they purposefully ignore that.

Us being so nice, we stay and make some tea, get the pan and the frozen samosas out, the usual.. Bear in mind this is a school night and two hours later they are still here, it 9:30 pm.

We never go to someones house, may it be my brothers without checking, firstly whether they are in and whether they have any plans or other guests in the house.

It is nice having guests, but having a large family (as all Bengalis do) , its really difficult to entertain them, especially when they impose on you, unexpectedly. I don't wish to sound grumpy, but there are times I have ordered takeaway food, enough for us because we wanted a treat, or too busy to have cooked, and then the guests arrive - then you have to get the pan out and all the frozen sheek kebabs and everything else.

When will they learn that people may have plans. "Please call before arrival"...

What would you do? does it happen to you

I told my Maoi that UK bans Paan

Earlier this year my youngest sister got married, I as the elder brother took full responsibility of organising. Bengalis being Bengali; we consume a lot of paan and designer spicy "killi" (paan wrapped in sugar and spice and in some cases tobacco leaf). I had to order two cases of paan so the women folk could decorate several thaal. 

At that time there were a restriction on Paan import from India (tested positive for salmonella), that is not a good thing, especially as the local Grocer decided to treat this shortage as a way of making a lot of money. There were stories of the local Mas Bazaars charging £1 for two leaves of paan (yes thats right - TWO!!). A kilo of paan reached £55. I managed to buy two cases (from a guy I know who works at one of the shops ordered directly from wholesalers for me). 

There are of course various health warning on Paan consumption. My new "Maoi", consumes a kilo of paan per week. It is fortunate that my new Thaloi is a very wealthy man and made sure that the supply never runs short. 

What’s going to happen to us poor people (FYI: I don't consume paan). It is going to cost more than certain class C drugs and definitely more than a packet of cigarettes. We need to look ahead and start opening a rehabilitation centre for our dear uncles and aunties “The Priory Paan Clinic”. I wonder, if ever there is a total ban on Paan - what will Maoi do?
Any suggestions??

UK Bengali run mosques for village politics

I don’t know if this is the case in bigger cities, buts certainly in smaller cities and towns, I have visited, I have always come across two faction (at the very least if not more) of the Bengali community. The Communities are divided, mainly by the Bangladeshi political views they subscribe to. There is always a fight to be the Chairman and most certainly the seat is taken by the wealthiest guy (first generation sasa) in town and supported with the riches that his Alcohol trade brings.

I was in a City (that shall remain nameless), at Friday Jummah, the chairman picked up a chair to attack some one who opposed his suggestion. This was 5 years ago and he is still the Chairman, mainly because everyone is scared of him (his is the only phone that will ring before prayers and he will answer it and walk to the back room to finish his conversation, his little management group will also sit facing the worshipers like the imam during and after prayers. And above all they will wait for him during normal prayers if he is a few minutes late (and is expected). The Eid prayer will always be delayed for more late comers) . This has divided the community wider. Since then the opposing group raised money and opened another mosque. I have seen similar cases all across smaller towns and cities in the UK.

The second generation seem to support the first generations corrupted politics, mainly because their fathers and uncles support it (and as the heavy mob), but you can tell they have a dislike for what they are doing and supporting. They are the ones who will mingle with everyone on both sides and they do not discriminate when it comes to friendship, but only take sides when it comes to the mosque politics.

What I have found is that, the new comers (and what I mean is that the “lal passport group”, who came here on spouse visa). They tend to support the first generation with their politics in the mosque.  I feel as though they think the mosque is their only political battle ground, the one they left behind in Bangladesh.

The third  generation (British born), here is what I struggle with, nowhere near supporting their fathers and uncles, some only attend Friday prayers, or have a younger more religious group they are involved with (that is another topic for another day).

Is the mosque a place for politics?? Are we waiting for the first generation to pass before things clean up and social unrest within Bengali communities recedes?

Why British Bengali's take no interest in Bangladeshi Culture

It always baffles me as to why a lot of second and third generations of British Bengali's take no interest in Bangladesh or its culture? I'd love to hear from anyone that can offer some insight.

It was the same for me (things are changing). I found young BB's (British Bengali) snub everything about Bangladesh. They tend not to talk about its rich culture and or its history. Oblivious to the fact that it is such a great country.

Again this may not be the story across the UK. Young BB's tend not to listen to Bengali music, read in Bengali or even catch up with the latest current affairs of Bangladesh.

I used to be involved with a Bengali Community organisation and in the latter years, the younger generations took no interest in volunteering with the group.

I would love to hear what people have to say on this.

Thanks